grey clouds are gonna clear up...

put on a happy face. I'm so exhausted putting on a happy face. but yet I continue to do so. all around me people I love are getting the craziest happiest news/experiences (most life changing, it's been quite a week for my friends: a new baby in boulder, an engagement in NYC!!)

yet the most exciting thing I did this week was floss.

And hope for my happy news!

a whole new life...

I know my last post was depressing and i can't help that, well i also thought it was hopeful, how i was coming up with new ideas to cut back. but despite that, i was just trying to convey how every single second of every single day of every single week of every single month the past 2 years of my existance has miserable!

but things are looking up! today I realized that all the hair that fell out ( 3 months after a surgery, most of your hair falls out) anyway, the hair is starting to sprout back in and IT'S NOT GREY!!!!!! so that's good since I do have a lot of grey hair, so i was quite pleased! yay!

I know some of you are thinking "get a job" I hope you all know that now that the strike is over that is exactly what I'm trying to do, it just sucks that my agents really old the power in my career. none of you have any idea what that is like! i feel powerless and lacking any control over my fate.

BUT MY VISION BOARD IS TOTALLY GOING TO CHANGE THAT! I'M LOOKIN AT IT NOW AND CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL THE GREAT THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!!!!

it's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world

I hate it when i have a friend who is envious of "all the time off" i have. yes if I had a job lined up in a year from now and coudl travel, i'd be envious too, but I have a friend who recently said "i wish I had months and months off." so let me disabuse anyone of the notion that having off a ton of time with no end and no paycheck in sight is anything but glamorous. And let me tell you why... I do not have a family member or husband to swoop in and save the day to pay my $10,000 in medical bills and all my expenses, that must be nice! Here's how i live my life.

I have to steal toilet paper from businesses.
I have to steal $1 coupons from the coffee bean so I can afford my daily fix (only can go 4 times a week now since it adds up pretty fast)
I've had to cut up all my credit cards.
I have to bring a yogurt to my friends house during the acadmey awards party because I can't afford the pizza everyone else is ordering
I refill my gallon water bottles for 25 cents each at ralphs
I walk to church, coffee bean and the grocery store so to avoid using gas
i spend every waking hour coming up with ways to save money! it's exhausting.

my friend told me recently to do something and then i could deduct it for business expenses on my taxes i said to her "um deduct it from what? I've earned zero dollars, i believe you have to earn money in order to deduct it."

being a hollywood writer is not an easy life, so please no one at home try it!

vision boards and some such

first off yesterday I was at the WGA working and went to the bathroom. I walked down the hall behind a woman who was also going to the restroom, she entered and then spun around while I was about to walk in and said "you're going into the wrong one?" then she said "oh, I thought you were a man!" When I inquired why she should think that seeing as... I DON'T LOOK LIKE A MAN OR AT LEAST I NEVER THOUGHT I DID, she said "oh because you're wearing black pants, because of the black pants." now I was wearing black sweatpants, since when did they become a gender specific garment?? So that really helped with my self-esteem!

Last night I went to amy's with berna and made vision boards!!! it was so super fun! it's basicallly a collage where you cut out things from mags that you want for your life and then you get them through the laws of attraction. We saw this on oprah and I guess it's an element of THE SECRET as well, but it basically is if you constantly look at the board and what you're working towards then you'll get it! We all said we have no idea if it works or not, but it can't hurt to try and also it can't hurt to do it independent of whether it will work or not since it's good to be reminded what you want from life! I'm super happy with how mine turned out! I made two actually because I had cut out so many pics and sayings that I needed a second one!! I guess I'm dreaming big!

tues night i was at my friends house where i watch american idol every week. The couple ended up getting into a huge fight while I was there eating my chicken sandwhich. this is not a new phenomenon. couples often invite me over and then end up fighting in front of me and dont seem to mind that I'm there. why is this? because I DO seem to mine seeing as I hate confrontation even if I'm not directly involved in it.

last night i drove to el segundo to have dinner with my cousin steve and his family and my cousin patty and her family. patty was in from seattle and I hadn't seen them in a long time! it was nice to catch up, but i did realize one thing. when I'm alone in my apt/home office alone all day every day, I feel like I"m a totally normal persons, until i go out in public and open my mouth and say stupid shit... then i realize people must thing I'm barking mad!

i dont know if it would help if i spend more time around groups of people or not! I will have to start testing this out.

sorry for the lack of updatges, I've been busy writing emails to guys on the internet dating sites i'm on! I'll let you know if anything interesting happens!

I've decided to head back into therapy. I haven't been in a while, i think I went like 10 times in all of 2007, but I think it's time to go back and I'm currently going therapist shopping. Is it weird that i'm looking for a boyfriend and a therapsit at the same time?

saturday night I went to this awesome party thrown for one of the writers on that 70s show. it was his suprise 40th bday and his wife through this kick ass party where we all had to dress like him. Apparently he wears the same basic outfit every day, jeans, a grey cahsmere sweater and a yankee hat (ugh yankees I know) I was going to wear my mets hat, but I found a yankee hat in the picket line lost and found that I was the organizer of and so on the last day of the strike since no one claimed it, I took it home and washed it and got very many compliments on it during the party. Anyway, the wife also had all of the guy's favorite foods, they had a guy from Subway making sandwiches, boxes and boxes of pastries from canters deli, bins filled with chocolate bars and milk duds, pizza from larchmont pizza, el pollo loco making chicken bowls, everything was awesomely poor food choices and i loooooved them!!! i ate so much! even though I had a panic attack at the beginning of the party (not used to being around so many people since I'm alone all day every day for the past 2+ years) I still managed to get on the dance floor at the end of the night with some of the other writers and boogied down!!!! all in all a grand time was had!

yesterday i had b'fast at toast with a few peeps and was seated across from my sisters college roomate and also they were roomies in brooklyn together like 12 years ago (before it was hip to live there) she is so freakin awesome, i love her. I hadn't seen her in years, but was like "um, are you lesley?" how bizarre!!

this weekend

so yesterday I was supposed to have a date with the guy Todd who I went out with in August and had a great date with and then he dissappeared for a few months and then reappeared last month on facebook. Anyway, I asked him to see this exhibit downtown near where he lives that closes today.

Oh and i randomly bumped into him last week at a show. anyway, we were supposed to meet up tomoro and then when I texted him on sat. night he didnt' reply until sunday saying he forgot bout the museum and was going skiing with friends.... WOW!! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO FORGETABLE!!!

so i didn't go, which is fine, I worked out and read and grocery shopped and went to swingers for some free lunch! it also became quite obvious the type of person he is. So last night I sat down and wrote a life love list, i saw them do it on oprah (oh my cousin's husband is on oprah today with nate berkus) but I digress, i wrote down everything I want in a mate and then put it away. I took a picture of it in my photo journal maybe you can make out some of the things that are on it. Now i just sit back and wait for it to come true! I'm going to also write one about my career!

the strike is pretty much over, we vote tomorrow on whether we want to end it or not! So I'm pretty sure we will. the meeting down town on sat. night about it was pretty uneventful, i thought someone would get angry and start yelling, but nope. I ran into a guy I used to work with years ago who is now writing for an english sitcom, and tried tot alk to him, but he was a total wanker, so I got no advice off him! boo!

off to tennis!

MY UPDATED PHOTO JOURNAL

oprah here I come

About every month, i apply to be on oprah. is this embarrassing, not to me it isn't! I even find topics that would apply to my friends lives, but of course dont tell them lest it ruin my chances to getting on... dont want too many tv people as guests.

fingers and toes crossed, i think I wrote a reallllly good little thing about the specific topic: are you a schlumpadinka! answer: yes i am, you should see what I wear on a daily basis when you dont need to go anywhere or ever leave the housee!!!!

FREE STUFF FOR STRIKERS UPDATE: MY HAIR LOOKS FAB!!!!! ALSO JUST GOT BACK FROM SWINGERS WHERE I HAD FREE B'FAST FOR THE 4TH DAY IN A ROW AND ORDERED LUNCH TO GO!!!! PLEASE THE STRIKE IS GOING TO BE OVER IN LIKE 2 DAYS I NEED TO MAYBE EVEN STOP BY TONIGHT FOR DINNER. IT'S SAVED ME A TON, I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE GROCERY STORE ONCE THIS WEEK AND I USUALLY GO 3 TIMES!!!!

FREE IS FOR ME PART 2

I think the strike will be coming to a close this weekend. that is why i am taking advantage of all the free offers out there to us writers. I have spoken about free food aw swingers, i was there yesterday for lunch, today for b'fast and will be there tomoro for b'fast and friday for lunch!

then tomoro i'm getting my hair cut for free at a salon in beverly hills!! cool, right, well i'll let you know AFTER i see what they do to my locks. I'm dying for a haircut, haven't had one since the end of september, so if it save me $120 which is what I usually pay at frederik fekkai for a haircut, then who cares what it looks like... then again I'll be the judge of that AFTER i see how it turns out.

Okay I just stopped by strike HQ cause I heard they were given kate matilini gift cards, thats a good restaurant in LA! and I just scored one since they all know me at HQ!!! awesome!!! let the good times roll!!!

Happy Ash Wednesday

today is the first day of Lent, called Ash Wednesday. I just went to church to get my ashes and there is this homeless woman who comes to mass every week and she was there. And while I was kneeling and praying after communion, she walked by and I noticed she was wearing UGG BOOTS.

SHE HAS NICER CLOTHES THAN ME!!! I want those Ugg Boots, they are chocolate brown! I wanted to tackle her on the way out of mass, but t hen thought, that wasn't very Christian, soooo I opted not.

Yesterday during our primary, I totally BA-RACKED THE VOTE! Women in California came out in droves to vote for Hilary, but not one women I know, everyone I know voted for Barack. Also my polling place had a person directing parking!! i have never seen that before at my polling place even in a presidential election. I think this year is going to be so exctiting! There seems to be a buzz about this presidential race and it's exciting!!!

CAN YOU FEEL IT??

mucho celeb sightings!!

yesterday I met Kristin for coffee at kings road cafe and saw.... drum roll please... ERIC DANE!!! AKA MCSTEAMY FROM GREYS ANATOMY!!! OMG that man is hot on the show, but his hottness defies all hotness in person, his ass was so close to my face (i was sitting down) that I nearly passed out from sheer beauty.

gossip alert! rumor has it that he has a honey on the side who lives near kings road and who my friend has seen him having spats with and they call eachh other baby. i have not seen this, but it seems like an odd thing to make up, my friends is a reliable source and she has seen them on numerous ocasaions, in case you ddin't know, he's married to rebecaa gayheart, so this piece of gossip is CRAZY!!


Today at Swingers i saw dave chapelle. i wanted to take a pic of my picture a day in 2008 journal, but my friend says "he's bat shit, he might go crazy on you." so i didn't. he was wearing big ass headphones and was in the back so i couldn't see if he was with anyone, i wonder if he used his WGA to get a free meal like we did!!!

there were character actors galore at kings road yesterday too. The dad from Dawson' creek and a few others who would eye each other when the others would get a table, prety damn funny. oh, life in LA.

my migraine still lingers, but i'm doing better, amy and bern are coming over to watch friday night lights today so i had to clean my apartment, not that it was dirty but you know, wipe down the counter and stove and bathroom sink, ugh I ate being poor and not being able to afford someone to do that shit for me!

why do these things happen

yesterday I was at the guild writing in their library when I developed a headache. I thought ok, well, i probably haven't eaten enough today, so i went home and ate. then I went to the gym and then it hit... A MIGRAINE!

I have had like maybe 4 migraines in my life, and this one was pretty damn bad. It was also accompanied by my face flushing and getting really hot! I did research and this was more than a simple migraine, but a cluster headache which according to my researche "is the most painful headache theere is," although i didn't have all the symptoms, just the pain and the flushed face. I have no idea. I'm a walking medical anomaly, I'm starting to think I'm crazy. I still have residual pain right now and in fact and typing this with my eyes closed as it hurts too much to look at the screen. I'm so please at my typing ability to allow such a feat!!!!

Okay i need to go lay down.

whats the point

I have no idea what i do with my days, they just slip by and all of a sudden i realize it's sunday again and I have to start over. I worked at the strike HQ yesterday again answering phones. I really like the tues shift as the corrdinator is really nice and not an old guy going on and on about how he wrote a Julia Roberts movie in the 90s and what she was like before she hit stardom! these people are your worst nightmare!

I hope i dont do that when I'm an old fart, perhaps I already am, b.c hollywood standards are quite different. yesterday i applied for a job up at Adidas HQ in portland, dont tell my friend who works at Nike!!!

Went out on friday night with Tom, we met for a drink at Chaya, I guess that's our 3rd date, in two months tho, so it's not encouraging. I also facebooked the guy who i went on a date with in august who had been messaging me recently and aksed if he wanted to go to this exhibit downtown, where he lives, he took all day to reply and then sent me a message this morning saying sure, but no XOXOX at the end of said message... no idea what that means.

Last night I had dinner with Tal, one of the execs at Sony, LOVE HER!! I thought it would be a quick dinner, but we sat and talked for 3 hours! It was so fun, and great to catch up with her! She rules.

I'm realy enjoying my tennis class and the girls in it. we all get along so well, it's pretty insane and we all had a potluck dinner on sunday night and just sat and gossipped, etc. really fun as most of them are not in the biz and are just really genuinely cool.

For those of you who dont know me well, i like free things, like actually LOVE free things. in fact in 3rd grade i had this book where you write down things like your favorite actor or book or tv show and one thing said "your motto." and at 8 years old I remember writing "free is for me."

AT 8 YEARS OLD!!!

As a result of the writers strike, drew carey offered to pick up the tab of any writer who eats at swingers or bob's big boy. I haven't taken nearly enough advantage of it, but my micaela made me so 2 weeks ago we went and chowed down on free grub and then showed our guild card and bam, free good, baby! we went again today after Weight watchers, I lost a pound hooller!!!

what is it about banana multigrain panckes and a vanilla latte that tastes so much better because it's free?!?! I kinda regret not going there more. I know the strike will end in like a few weeks probably, so I have to start going more often, maybe for dinner!!! grilled cheese or something, yummers!!!

GRIM

so last night i went to my friend jessica's, she's a tv director and lives 1.5 blocks from me. we met through my ex will and we've remained friends. i've met a lot of people that way, liz, rachel, etc and etc. I keep the friends of the boys, but not the boys. anyway, she's a director and was supposed to direct an episode of a FOX tv show but isn't now due to the strike and as a result is going to lose her health benefits cause she hasn't earned enough money to keep them. This is the exact same position I'm in.

she said she's going to have to probably change her career after all the works she's done to establish herself because the strike has ruined her momentum and potential jobs. again this is the exact position I'm in. I'm going to have to change my entire life and basically end my life long dream (although to be fair I did write on a hit tv show and sold another one this year even though it went no where) due to this strike and the 2 years of me not working leading up to it and me not having a job when it ends. it's strange to think none of my other friends will ever have this problem, my friends who aren't part of a union that is.

also i still think it's so unfair that the course of my life is drastically going to change due to HEALTH INSURANCE!!!! or the lack there of. I have it for not, but am going to lose it in september. And as is stands I wont have earned enough by September to keep it going. There is just no way I could earn it even if the strike ended today. People in washington do not care about health insurance driving americans in bankruptcy, they just dont. I wish sicko did more to change policy!

supernanny

I just went to the coffee bean in beverly hills and was sitting there and Jo the nanny from supernanny came in and got a coffee. she had a huge bag from the Gap and I thought to myself, Jo shops at the Gap????

the guy behind the counter, the same guy who kiiissseddd renee zellwegger's ass a few months back (and i wrote about it click on the celeb sightings link below) was kissing hers as well, this guy needs to get a fucking life! He bends over backwards for them and me he's like 'here" hands me my coffee so roughly that it spills down the front of my shirt. THANKS ASS!

I tivo-ed bridget jones diary and just watched it and was stunned by the similarities between bridget and myself and now I'm depressed. I think it also has to do with the fact that I can't tell if I'm sick or not, my body can't make up it's mind. sometimes I feel ok and then I feel sick?!?! PULL THE TRIGGER BODY OF MINE BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!!

weird

I woke up in a bad mood today. this rarely happens to me, in fact i dont remember it ever happening to me, waking up in a bad mood is so strange. Anyway, then i went to weight watchers and I gained wieght and then I went to the coffee bean and my coffee spilled and burned my hand and then I realized they gave me the wrong coffee. UGH!

so that's 3 bad things, now i'm done for the day! I'm more stressed now about my current situation now that i went to a friends yesterday and this friend I find out has been in talks with a studio to write a pilot for them. this friend said that he/she needs to look out for themselves becuase the guild is'nt looking out for them. soo now i'm like has everyone been doing this? is the strike gonna end next week and I'm the only asshole who didn't develop behidn the backs of everyone??? This is the only town where being honest and good gets you NOWHERE AND NOTHING!!

STRIKE 3, SO I GUESS I'M OUT

Last week I pulled my resume together to apply for a job at Nike in Portland. It was the perfect job for my lack of business experience. unfortunately today i saw that the job was no longer on the website. *sigh* and seeing as I haven't been hired to do it, i think it's safe to assume someone else was. I'm extremely disappointed. if I weren't a robot and didn't know how to cry, this would be a time when a normal human would cry.

I also got the call this week that MTV passed on my pilot. Oh and I pitched a book idea to my agent who pitched it to the book people and that was passed on too!

I GIVE UP!! NOBODY WANTS ME OR MY TALENTS!!!