this stapler probably is contributing more to the world than I am.

lots to tell about this weekend, hit the sing-a-long sound of music at the hollywood bowl, the best one ever and I should know I go every year. will send up full report after yoga!

Oh yeah, it happened, the thing I didnt think could ever happen, happened! FOX PASSED. More devastation about that later. SO my producers called me today to tell me, and felt so bad and he said "i just wish people would just let funny people be funny," and they have a project they want to talk to me about. Probably the most frustrating thinga bout this entire journey is I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

I wanted to be in business school in september '09, not picking myself off the pavement and heading into pitching to all the networks! Now before you say anything, yes I realize that THOUSANDS of writers NEVER get the opportunity to walk into a network pitch and have the executives scream their names in delight, so yes I recognize that I have acheived a level of success in this industry attained by very few, that being said, i made a decision to leave the failing tv business a year ago and put my skill set to something entirely different and that didn't work out and now i'm trapped in this vortex of fuck-iness. I just wanted to be doing something different but when I was rejected from every biz school, i recommitted to this biz, although really what alternative did I have? curl up in the fetal position and do nothing? well that's not an option for me at least. on that note, i have become that friend that all other friends say the following to after each passing rejection "i admire you so much for keep throwing your hat in the right amid constant disppointments!" OH GREAT NOW I'M THAT FRIEND! i liked it much better being the friend no one took seriously and didn't expect much from, but then went on to achieve great success as a tv writer, but nooooooo that role has stopped and now i'm the friend who is like some freaking perserverance superhero who conjures up Pity in others.

the reality is, after hearing that I got passed on by fox, i wanted to go out and do something horrible, but i couldn't even think of anything. I'm too fucking nice and that needs to change now, but i dont even have the energy to be a bitch or mean or an asshole. But what has being nice gotten me? amazing friends? eh, i'd rather have a job at this point. I just never thought being such a nice, loyal, reliable, honest human who gives back to humanity on a regular basis would reap me such heartache, rejection and constant disappointment. I mean the Bible says you reap what you sow, so WTF? I've been sowing good shit like crazy and i'm not reaping crap! not even a good Greys anatomy premiere last night so that was 2 more hours of torture...

ok, off to the gym to work it out and then i'll be back to my spirited self.

major pass-a-dena

well usually when a network doesn't want your show, they pass immediately, within hours. so you can imagine when ABC took 5 days to think about my show I was delighted! I thought, finally a taker. 5 days and then a pass is almost unheard of. Of course I'd think that, ABC's mandate this development season was quirky family shows, so i developed a quirky family show and... THEY PASSED...

i feel bad for my producers, one who has a crush on me, that they might never see me again if FOX passes after tomorrow's pitch BUT IT WONT HAPPEN THEY WILL LOVE IT.

i mean, what are the chances, that in 2009 the following rejections could all occur to one person...
6 business schools, 4 networks and Lauren Graham. I mean, that would be a scientific impossiblity. God would not heap THAT sheer amount of rejection on one human soul, even HE could grant compassion unlike Harvard freakin' business school! So of course FOX is going to buy my TV show, because this amount of rejection in one year is UNHEARD OF, I mean if I took my case to the supreme court, that's right The World Vs. McLaughlin even they would say "there is no precedance for such an abusive scenario and therefore McLaughlin has to granted one non rejection immediately!" so that's how I know FOX is going to buy my show tomorrow because historically there coudln't possibly be another outcome, even the supreme court says so.

feet

recently i have been told a number of things about my feet. first, a few weeks ago during a deep tissue massage, my massuer told me I had great feet structure and very well defined. I'd rather my abs be defined but whaddya gonna do... anyway, he attributed it to my working out and jumping a lot of rope which i have to do for boxing and did even before then. okay, great, i have well defined feet, this is not a "feat" pardon the pun that I can put on my resume.

second, another person told me about hair on my feet, which i have attributed to old age I'M OLD!! but she said no, its a sign of good circulation in your feet probably becuase you're so active.

ok what we've learned is that being active is good... FOR ME FEET? i mean, yes they're important, but i'm not working out for my feet!!! i'm going to be honest, i'm working out so i have awesome abs, a perfectly sculpted butt and tits that defy the laws of gravity! I'M A LOS ANGELENO AND I'M FUCKING VAIN!!! I live in beverly hills and live 3 blocks from the trendiest, celebrity filled, boutique-y street in this town, Robertson Blvd and when paris hilton or Britney comes to Kitson or Lisa Klein THEY'RE NOT TAKING PICTURES OF THEIR FEET!!! (unless they're promoting their shoe line available at Kitson)

a lesson in hyphenates

last may I worked on a pilot for NBC. studios and networks often ask writers they've worked with in the past to write for a few days on a new tv pilot to make it funnier or better etc in exchange for no pay. it's a pretty great system. (sarcasm) usually you get sent something as a thank you. In the past, AKA the hey day, they would send you freakin TVs and game systems... this year I worked on some ABC pilot I got AND I'M NOT KIDDING! a freaking got headphones from SONY. not like nice BOSe ones, just plain old headphones that do nothing special except phone your head.

so i decided i'd get what I want out of this pilot BS. So like i said last year, I worked on a pilot and met this super cute writer guy who said he was also an actor... this is what we in the biz call a hyphenate meaning they dont have a job doing one thing so they say like 10 things they could possibly want to do and thats what they tell you is their career. so this is how these typical conversations go with a hyphenate.

me: so what do you do?
them: I'm a writer-actor-director

example #2
me: so what do you do?
them: I'm a yoga instructor-actor-life coach

example #3
me: so what do you do?
them: I'm an actor-producer-pro surfer

i could go on and on. anyway, i met the hypenate actor-writer-director at this pilot last year, and he was super cute AND he had a pilot at NBC himself, so he was an actual writer... who had a girlfriend. but he told me he was going to set me up with his friends (i'm guessing also hyphenates) and we parted ways. a few weeks later, he emailed me and told me he hadn't forgotten and was still thinking about the right guy... i mean this never happens even with guys who are interested in me, let alone guys who aren't interested, yet are interested in me for their buddies. ok, so i never heard from him after that, but tonight i'm watching the premiere of house and im like HOW DO I KNOW THAT GUY, HE'S def. dating a friend of mine, so during the premiere, i'm scrolling through all my friends whose boyfriends i've met recently and its driving me crazy. first i'm like I go out way too much and thats when it hit me. He's Andrew the hypenate and he had like this huge role on House!

so the lesson learned is sometimes (but very very rarely, like seeing a sloth move rarely) hyphenates DO have careers. See? Oprah was right, you can learn a lesson out of everything. I hope you're writing this stuff down.

the problem with not drinking that often is what happens when you do drink. you get drunk very easily. which is what happened last night. i was having a drink with my friend at dominicks in bev hills, then kristin picked me up and we went down to venice to see paula, and ended up getting dinner, drinking because kristin sold her show at CBS and finishing 2 bottles of wine and a glass of champagne. so i was drunk. we all fall asleep in paulas king size bed and then around 3 am her roommate comes in and wants to wake us up to blow the roof off, whatever the fuck that means. he and kristin temporarily had a thing so i was instructed to talk about what a whore she is if given the opportunity at any time during the stay there. and i'm not joking. she said "dont outright lie, but creatively come up with responses that could lead him to believe that i have lots of guys circling and i'm hooking up with lots of guys and i'm wanted" um, ok. sure. the opportunity never presented itself. when he came in at 3am I walked by him and went to the bathroom and mumbled something to him about 3 chicks in bed togther and how he was missing out!

anyway, now i'm hungover. kristin, bernie and i went and got foot massages in korea town which made me momentarily feel better, but now i'm a mess again. stupid wine. i was supposed to play kick ball in venice today too and then to a party after. but instead i'm laying in bed and going to a movie and i need to be at bernsies house in 45 mins and i'm worried i'm not going to make it!

ok i should shower.

NETWORK UP DATE

THE FOLLOWING NETWORKS HAVE PASSED ON MY TV SHOW IDEA.... NEITHER OF WHICH WE THOUGHT WOULD BUY IT!








well i thought at the peacock we might have an outside chance. also if you're following my career, I've pitched to CBS and NBC three times and have been rejected three times....

emmy weekend

welcome to emmy weekend, where, because I live next to the four seasons in bev hills, i can't find parking anywhere. I love that they can just put no parking signs all over my street like it's not a major inconveience for everyone who lives there. so i'm going to have to park blocks away while the limos and town cars for all these jackasses populate my street! and this is just the beginning of awards season which will continue regularly until after the academy awards in march... sigh...

ok ok, i know life could be (and has been) much worse, i just like to bitch about this as its so fucking annoying.

just another manic friday

sooo. this has been an insane week. I pitched to 3 of the 4 major networks. I pitch to the 4th next week. It's hard work memorizing 6 single spaced pages of your show, then putting on essentially a little play for about 6 people in the room, all of whom are staring at you! It takes a lot of strength not to just stop in the middle and start to cry cause it's so hard!! but this show i've created is actually a ton of fun and I really believe it in, which is a big difference than shows i've pitched in the past that i was geting paid to do therefore people had the right to interfere with my creative sights and change them and ruin them... now i'm pitching with a company who if I sell it, the network has to pay me but if i dont sell, i dont get paid, YUP THIS IS THE HOLLYWOOD DREAM!!

SO FAR CBS HAS passed, but it's not a cbs show and we didn't even want to pitch to them b/c of that very reason, kind of a waste of time, but it was good to get the kinks out with them and made adjustments for the networks that are perfect for this project.

i'm also busy writing my business school essays, as i'm reapplying. i'm reapplying to 3 schools i applied to last year and 3 new ones. it's a shit load of work, but thankfully i've done most of it last year, so my past self is helping my future self. i'm just repurposing my essays etc.


so i have a friend who is the daughter of a very famous person, she's also a tv writer so thats how we met, at the writers loungue. anyway, she's awesome. so one day last week i came in and saw her name on the list of people in the lounge and was excited to see her, but it turns out it was her sister who has the same intials. so i wrote on my friends facebook, "i was excited to see you but then I came in and saw it was your sister, and she's great and all but she's no (insert her name) well, the sister saw this wall post and got all bent out of shape. and wrote underneath my comment "GEEZ!" like she was all offended, so much so that her sister took it down!! Meanwhile, this sister is a fucking comedy writer and a very successful one at that, so it's kinda strange that she couldn't tell it was a joke given the fact that IT SO OBVIOSULY WAS!! i'm only writing this story b/c the annoyed sister just walked by me and i kept my head down as not to make eye contact! ahhh facebook, it's so fucking retarded as is humanity, and yet i love it so!

i just realized that my keyboard on my laptop has a lot of the letters erased from some of the keys... well i didnt just realize that the letters are rubbed off, but I DID just realize that the keys that are rubbed off are the ones that are in all my passwords for every website! so if you wanna figure it out, come on over and take a peek at my keyboard, figure out the letters that are missing and then bam, you have access to all my private data, like my subscription to all the House fansites!

anyone else think it's a great day to sell a TV show at NBC? I do, so that's on my to do list today. Very excited. one of my best friends is also pitching to NBC today, hilarious! On the front page of the la times is an article about all the angry people in this world... strangely that what my show is about! it's a sign!

so i go to my boxing gym like twice a week and I talk to all the guys there. they're all ex cons, ex druggies, ex homeless, hard core guys, but I find them to kick ass! Anyway, i walk around like I freakin' own the place, which I dont its owned by the most world famous boxing trainer out there, who i also adore. But i'm friendly to everyone and joke around. last week a new guy appeared at the gym, he's from some french african island and I talked to him ONCE and now he wants to go out with me! Ddont get me wrong thats flattering, but I've noticed that the other 20 or so guys I talk to there haven't asked me out, so what's the difference is it because he's a french guy? did I do something like cross some sort of cultural barrier I didn't know existed? and if i did, i'm in my own country, so why should I be penalized for this. Now this guy of course is soooo freakin nice, and so sweet, but also a boxer and i dont want him to beat me when i tell him that i dont know him at all, aside from his name, and dont make it a habit to go out with people I meet and talk to for all of 30 seconds.

But yesterday i noticed that when I was at the speed bag, so was he, (and I'm trying to get a seriously intense workout, so please stop talking to me) and when I was at in the back room in the ring, he's was in the back room doing abs and when I was at the heavy bag, guess who showed up to the heavy bags and is flirting with me. but i'm way too nice to tell this guy to beat it, he knows no one in this city and am i going to be some biatch who is like, sorry dude... there's no time for flirting, just boxing!! I'M HERE TO BOX AT THIS WORLD FAMOUS BOXING GYM!!! This isn't a speed dating event.

why yes I am 28

went out with remy, carrie and alex last night to edendale in silverlake, such a cute wine bar, which silverlake has many of but I find it too far of a trek to head over to on a frequent basis. there was a going away party for alex,she's only leaving for 5 monhts, so i'm not really sure of the purpose of one of those. But truth be told i've been to a going away part for someone who was only leaving for 3 months once, SERIOUSLY? 3 months? i mean, sometimes i'll 3 months w/o seeing a friend, so do you really need a party, REALLY?

anywya, this guy told me he couldn't believe i've been working in the TV biz for 13 years and how old was i? i said how old do I look and he said 28, so there's now way you've been doing it since you were 15. OMG, 28?!?!? CAN I KISS YOU RIGHT NOW!? too bad he was married and his wife wouldn't have wanted my tongue down his throat. also regaled the crowd with the story of my torn labia muscle this spring from trying to look like gywenth paltrow and doing this working her trainer showed on Oprah... yes, labia muscle, thats' what I said. still can't run, so that's why i box twice a week!! woo hoo.

also how does roger federer make his tennis game look so easy? i'm watching the US open right now and I just dont look that way on the court.

Last night I met my friend D. Warren's baby!!! His name is Benjamin and he's 10 days old. Seriously, so cute! Him and his wife live in the bldg at the top of my street, but they told me that they're probably going to move to a place in the valley?!!? ugh, such a travesty, there goes that friendship! WHY DOES EVERYONE WHO HAS KIDS MOVE TO THE FREAKING VALLEY!!

Yes, i'm a westside snob. it's true, but you would be too if one by one all your friends got married, so they going out and then had a kid, so they stopped being interesting and THEN they move to the valley so they stop EVERYTHING.

I really hope they find an affordable place near us, i mean, i haven't looked in 2.5 years, but there has to be SOME place around us than can accomodate them. I just wish their stupid elevator in their bldg. would start working again so they'd forget about leaving their apartment and then I could hang out with them. His wife and I watch Gossip Girl together every monday night. Oh yes I know it's embarrassing to watch that show, but it feels less shameful if doing it with someone else!

um... ellen on american idol? what do we think about this?

Great celeb sighting this weekend, was poolside with hilary swank and her boyfriend and his kid, she seemed more interested in what was going on on her blackberry than the people she came to the pool with and holy crap I wish I had taken a picture of this towel contraption she wrapped around her chest and shoulders AFTER having her BF apply sunscreen. Dont get me wrong, i wear a burka when Im exposed to the sun for any length of time, but this hilary thing was very specific towel wrap thing she put together that she wrapped up so quickly with a random towel that it made one believe she had done this waaay to many times before. way way way to many times. oh and the pool was supposed to be a cell free zone, but apparently not for hillary swank! MBN = must be nice!

i'm tired. i have my mouth guard in, ready to sleep. am i the only one who wears a mouth guard because I grind my teeth? I've had it for a year and well, i've pretty much grinded it right down! is this normal?

I'm starting to question what's normal and not now that i'm (gulp) 35. way old, yes I realize there are people out there older than me, but i'm pretty sure I'm the benjamin button in many ways aging inapropriately for my age, and I dont look at all like brad pitt so my tale will not be as charming.

check out this by a writer from H-town.

http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/why-he-will-not-read-your-fucking-script/

might be the best expression that a writer feels when asked to read someone jack ass's script who ISNT a writer.

breathe deeply...welcome to LA! ash on my car, windows closed (makes for a very hot apartment) and terrible air, i have a mask!

off to lunch with my new agents, love them. hated my old agents, omg the laziest fuckers in town who lliked going out to nice lunches and telling people they worked at endeavor, but never did any work!!! i wanted to walk to the restaurant in bev hills, but the air quality is too poor!

pitched to adam sandlers company today, we'll see how it turns out!